The seasons of waiting and preparation can be rough.
This is especially true if you are as impatient as I am. And this is coming from someone impatient by America standards.
Many of my sins and distractions from God, especially in the past ~8 months have occurred because of my impatience. In many ways that are scary to me now, since I am finally aware of what I’ve been doing, I have sinned in a manner directly antagonistic to where I feel God wants me to be when the time comes. What has ensued afterwards are attempts to continuously wash the blood off my hands, only to put more on.
There’s a part of everybody’s soul that seeks to keep things as we like them. It’s the part of ourselves that, deep down, has strong reservations about putting everything in God’s hands. It’s the part of ourselves that clings the grim reaper for life. For me, this thing is control over myself. Self control is important to have, but you have to give the necessary amount of control of your life to God, otherwise a pit of despair awaits you. Especially when in your self control you have desired immediate gratification for things it seems God wants for you.
Of course afterward, I would pray repentance of my unbelief and my various sins and ask for forgiveness, never realizing that impatience aided in bringing them into fruition although I was always aware of how I sinned. I would of course sin again, then repeatedly try to abuse and manipulate the grace God has for my life. Then rinse and repeat. And because my heart wasn’t in the right place in my bad days, I would only feel the capacity to pray for repentance and forgiveness of myself. This would mean that in these moments, nobody was prayed for.
One reason I guess I’m writing this is to apologize. I haven’t been giving you guys anywhere close to the attention you deserve in my prayers. I have acted selfishly. You perhaps haven’t noticed any of this from my outward appearance or conveyance of myself, though I would have no way of knowing. But what happens with you and God privately will strengthen you more than you can imagine, and if others aren’t mentioned in prayer in those moments, then you’re really only trying to help yourself.
I also wanted to give some advice (I guess it can be called that) to any of you in a season of waiting and preparation. First, seek God before anything else. You may be waiting for a reason. Perhaps you aren’t ready, which is not a bad place to be. Or, God may be wanting to grow closer to you, and you have to respond for it to happen.
Second, be there for others, and don’t live selfishly. Inward selfish living results in outward selfish living. In my inner selfishness, I have neglected you guys. And if I neglect you guys privately, I will do the same publicly. If I remain unaware of brokenness and blessings occurring to you, then I can bear no fruit for you, and that’s why I’m here in the first place. All are called to bear fruit, but we must also understand that it wasn’t meant for ourselves to capitalize on; it was meant for others. There’s always the deep recesses of your soul that wants things for itself, but we must submit that to God with the rest of our wholes selves.
Lastly, be patient. I have a lot of trouble with this, but if you’re waiting for God’s promises, there’s a reason why. He is in control of everything, and you shouldn’t have any reason to trust anything over Him.
Yeah, I know that was a mouthful, but I thank you for enduring through this mess.